Today's post in Free Range Kids was a link from Circle of Moms, which appears to be a site for helicopter parents (at least judging from the multiple "better safe than sorry" comments to various posts). Here is the link: How to Spot a Child Predator. The author saw an older gentleman talking with two boys who were eating by themselves in a sandwich shop. The man went over to the boys and decided to strike up a conversation with them. He asked them normal things that any adult would ask a child: what grade are you in, where do you go to school, what is your favorite subject in school, do you like astronomy? The woman "had an epiphany" and decided that the man was an obvious child predator who was grooming the two boys with his questions. The writer decided that those questions are exactly what pedophiles ask when grooming their victims. She asked the boys where their parents were, then told a restaurant employee that she was concerned about the man talking with the boys. The woman even told the employee to call the police if the boys left the cafe with someone other than their parents. The man ended up leaving.
Did this woman actually know that this man was a child predator? No, she just assumed it because he was an older man talking to children. A man having a pleasant conversation with two boys was publicly humiliated simply because he was older and liked kids. The woman also was concerned about a stranger talking to two boys whose parents, by the way, deemed them capable of eating in a restaurant by themselves. Yet she went up to them and talked to them. But she somehow didn't see anything wrong with talking to the boys herself even though she was a stranger to them. I guess "stranger danger" only applies to men.
When did it become so crazy in the States that every man is viewed as a pervert who only wants to molest children? It used to be an old stereotype about gay men that they were child molesters. Now that hysteria has spread to all men, whether they are gay or straight. Men who sincerely love children are now becoming afraid to approach them or talk to them for fear that they will be viewed as perverts and potential child abductors. Even the number of male teachers has shrunk to a 40-year low, one reason being that they are afraid of being accused of child abuse. See this abc news story about the low number of male teachers, especially in elementary schools. Of course a child's father should be a good male role model. But kids need to have other positive male role models as they grow up. But how can children have good male role models when men aren't allowed to be near them? It is sad that men who want to work with children are now afraid to do so because mothers like the woman who wrote the post in Circle of Moms would automatically accuse them of being pedophiles. One of my very favorite teachers was Mr. Ort, my 8th grade English teacher. He got me excited about writing. Mr. Ort sincerely enjoyed working with junior high students. His students also liked him because they could sense that he truly loved teaching. None of Mr. Ort's students would ever have accused him of being a pedophile.
I have taught my son to talk to strangers, just not to go off with them. In fact, I have told him that when he is out by himself and needs assistance, he needs to ask an adult to help him. He put this lesson into action two years ago, when he was 11. My son wanted to ride his bike to the grocery store to get an official World Cup football (soccer) sticker book and wanted me to go with him. I told him that he had to go by himself because I was cooking dinner. I didn't really pay attention to how long my son was gone. But when he came back, he apologized for being late. It turned out that the chain on my son's bike slipped when he shifted gears. The closest adult that he found to help him fix his bike was an older man. As the man was fixing the chain, he asked my son where he went to school and what grade he was in. It turned out that the man's granddaughter was one of my son's classmates! When my son came home and told me what happened, my first thought was, "How cool that the person who helped you turned out to be a classmate's grandfather." The second thought was, "It's good that my son actually listened when I told him to find an adult when he needs some help." The thought that the Good Samaritan who fixed my son's bike was a child predator never even occurred to me.
Whenever I meet a child for the first time, I ask him things like where he goes to school and what grade he's in. Those are normal questions to ask a child. Who in their right mind would ask a child about how to solve the Greek monetary crisis? In fact, the woman who wrote the original post sounded more like a predator to me by asking where the boys' parents were. I think that we all need to take a deep breath and realize that most men are good people who would be repulsed at the thought of molesting a child. As Sigmund Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." And most men who like children are simply men who like children.
Showing posts with label helicopter parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label helicopter parents. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Child Not Abducted---Film at 11
A story about a 7-year-old girl in Georgia named Brittney was on the Free Range Kids (FRK) site. Here is the link: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/a-walmart-abduction-attempt-and-what-the-video-means/ Brittney was with her mother at Wal-Mart. While her mother was a few aisles over, Brittney was in the toy section by herself. A man came up to her and tried to carry her off. Brittney kicked, screamed, and ended up running away from her would-be abductor. The kidnapping attempt was captured on security cameras and the man was arrested within the hour.
My initial reaction to reading the post on FRK was that someone did a great job teaching Brittney what to do if someone tried to grab her or ask her to go away with him. Brittney's mother felt that her daughter was capable of being by herself in the toy aisle. Young Brittney was obviously well-prepared for what to do in the very rare situation of a stranger trying to abduct her and she did a beautiful job executing what she was taught. No harm came to Brittney because she did all the right things.
I have read many comments on various sites about this situation. Most people said that Brittney's mother was negligent for leaving her alone in the toy aisle. They use this incident as a lesson in why a mother should never take her eyes off of her child for even one second. Their logic is that there are predators and abductors lurking everywhere. One of them can snatch your child in the blink of an eye. Just look at what happened to Brittney, whose mother was not glued to her side.
By the way, abductions by a stranger are very rare. Most children who are kidnapped are taken by people that the child knows. Only about 100 kids a year are abducted by strangers in the States. These abductions are considered newsworthy because they're so rare. I'm sure that there are many other kids who thwarted kidnapping attempts by screaming or running away. But they happened out of view of security cameras, so they weren't reported on the evening news.
Other people have commented that this incident is a good reason why parents should never let their kids talk to strangers. "Stranger danger" is taught to kids without teaching the difference between a good stranger and a bad one. Young children may easily get the impression that a "stranger" is a man who looks and talks like Snideley Whiplash. But a stranger is really anyone that a child doesn't know. Instead of a blanket, "Don't talk to strangers," kids should be taught that they can talk to a stranger like a salesperson at a store, a policeman, or a cashier at the movies. But they should learn never to go off with someone that they don't know personally. Again, Brittney incorporated the lesson of not going off with a stranger. She made a big fuss and ran away.
Instead of vilifying Brittney's mother as a negligent parent, we should be praising her for teaching her child what to do if someone tried to grab her. Brittney's mother knew her daughter would not be "vulnerable" if she was a few aisles away in the store. She decided not to hover her daughter. Instead, she gave Brittney the skills to be on her own in a store or other public place.
I have a feeling that stores will soon start passing age restrictions for kids being unattended because of this incident (Brittney's Law of course). Instead of letting parents be the judge of when a child can be a few aisles away in a store, there will be legislation requiring kids under 13, 15, or 18 to be with an adult at all times in a store. This will only serve to infantilize kids and render them even more unprepared to handle life when it's time to leave home.
My initial reaction to reading the post on FRK was that someone did a great job teaching Brittney what to do if someone tried to grab her or ask her to go away with him. Brittney's mother felt that her daughter was capable of being by herself in the toy aisle. Young Brittney was obviously well-prepared for what to do in the very rare situation of a stranger trying to abduct her and she did a beautiful job executing what she was taught. No harm came to Brittney because she did all the right things.
I have read many comments on various sites about this situation. Most people said that Brittney's mother was negligent for leaving her alone in the toy aisle. They use this incident as a lesson in why a mother should never take her eyes off of her child for even one second. Their logic is that there are predators and abductors lurking everywhere. One of them can snatch your child in the blink of an eye. Just look at what happened to Brittney, whose mother was not glued to her side.
By the way, abductions by a stranger are very rare. Most children who are kidnapped are taken by people that the child knows. Only about 100 kids a year are abducted by strangers in the States. These abductions are considered newsworthy because they're so rare. I'm sure that there are many other kids who thwarted kidnapping attempts by screaming or running away. But they happened out of view of security cameras, so they weren't reported on the evening news.
Other people have commented that this incident is a good reason why parents should never let their kids talk to strangers. "Stranger danger" is taught to kids without teaching the difference between a good stranger and a bad one. Young children may easily get the impression that a "stranger" is a man who looks and talks like Snideley Whiplash. But a stranger is really anyone that a child doesn't know. Instead of a blanket, "Don't talk to strangers," kids should be taught that they can talk to a stranger like a salesperson at a store, a policeman, or a cashier at the movies. But they should learn never to go off with someone that they don't know personally. Again, Brittney incorporated the lesson of not going off with a stranger. She made a big fuss and ran away.
Instead of vilifying Brittney's mother as a negligent parent, we should be praising her for teaching her child what to do if someone tried to grab her. Brittney's mother knew her daughter would not be "vulnerable" if she was a few aisles away in the store. She decided not to hover her daughter. Instead, she gave Brittney the skills to be on her own in a store or other public place.
I have a feeling that stores will soon start passing age restrictions for kids being unattended because of this incident (Brittney's Law of course). Instead of letting parents be the judge of when a child can be a few aisles away in a store, there will be legislation requiring kids under 13, 15, or 18 to be with an adult at all times in a store. This will only serve to infantilize kids and render them even more unprepared to handle life when it's time to leave home.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Josef Stalin and Parenting
The following is a continuation of a comment that I made on the Free Range Kids blog yesterday. Here is the link to the original post on FRK: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/why-it-feels-like-kids-are-being-kidnapped-all-the-time/. My comment is toward the end under the name "gap.runner." It's the second comment that I made to that post.
What does Josef Stalin have to do with parenting? At first glance, it would seem that the two are opposites. Josef Stalin was an evil dictator who was responsible for the death of about 20 million of his fellow Soviet citizens. It doesn't get more evil than saying, "One death is a tragedy, one million a statistic" in reference to the number of people who died during Stalin's reign in Soviet prison camps and of starvation in the Ukraine during forced collectivization. Parents are generally viewed as nurturing people who want the best for their children (though their children can sometimes view them as dictators), which is the opposite of how Stalin was.
A couple of days ago Lenore Skenazy, the author of the Free Range Kids (FRK) site, posted a story about the perception that people in the States have that children are constantly being abducted by strangers. In fact, very few kids are kidnapped and murdered by strangers (see the link above). The vast majority of abducted kids are taken by parents in custody disputes or by others that the child knows. Even though stranger abduction is very rare, it gets a lot of airplay in the media because it's such a rare event. These news stories also play to every parent's worst fear and make them afraid to let their children do things that they did as kids, such as walk or cycle to school alone.
There is a climate of fear in the States with parenting that would make Comrade Stalin very proud. Sometimes I think that the media has taken a page out of Stalin's playbook to reinforce the fears that parents have. Very rare events like stranger abduction, choking on button batteries, poisoned Halloween candy, and pedophiles in public bathrooms are played up in the news media. Mundane events, such as kids walking to school or taking a bus in town by themselves and arriving at their destinations safe and sound, are not broadcast at all. The perception is that the world is a dangerous place and children should never be without a parent in sight. I think if Comrade Stalin were alive today, the current media would expand on his quote that I cited above. It would go something like this, "One abducted child’s death is a tragedy that needs to be exploited for all it’s worth in order to instill fear and reinforce helicopter parenting; one million children walking, cycling, or taking public transportation by themselves without any incidents is a statistic that must be ignored or downplayed because it goes against the prevailing societal norms.”
Just as Soviets in Stalin's time feared a midnight knock on the door from the KGB, parents now live in fear whether they are helicopter parents or more free-range. Helicopter parents see pedophiles and kidnappers on every street corner and behind every bush. They are afraid to let their kids out of their sight because if they did, their children would be abducted and vanish without a trace in the blink of an eye. These are the parents who accompany their children everywhere and don't even let their children do sleepovers because the host parents could be pedophiles. Parents who are free-range (not negligent, but those who give their kids developmentally-appropriate independence) also have fears. Back in Stalin's time, there was a system of informants who denounced their friends, co-workers, neighbors, and even family members to the authorities. Free-range parents have been turned in to the police or Child Protective Services (CPS) for letting their kids walk to the store alone or leaving them in the car alone for a short time. Several free-rangers who are regulars on the FRK site say that they have either run into busybodies who turned them in to CPS or the police because their kids were unaccompanied by an adult while playing with other kids in their neighborhoods!
When Stalin ran the USSR, those who didn't follow the prevailing social norms were sent off to Siberian or northern Russian prison camps. While free-range parents don't get shipped off to the Soviet gulag, there have been many cases of parents and kids being detained or threatened by the police for innocent activities. For example, Ms. Skenazy wrote about an incident where her son took a commuter train by himself at age 10 to visit a friend and was detained by the police at his destination for riding alone. This was part of a post about a 10-year-old Tennessee girl whose mother was threatened with child neglect for the heinous crime of letting the daughter ride her bike to school alone. Here is the link:
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/criminally-confident-in-our-kids/
There is another parenting fear: the fear of their child being left behind his peers. This fear starts very early. Toy makers and the media feed into this fear and tell parents that if they don't buy a certain toy, their child is destined to be the night janitor at McDonald's. And parents buy into it. They believe that their child must be fluent in Mandarin, be able to compose a symphony, and be able to read St. Augustine in the original Latin by age 3. If their child is "retarded" and doesn't do all of those things, forget about Harvard or Yale. Parents really need to trust themselves and let their children develop on their own timetables. In many cases, doing something early is not always better. Kids in the States are pushed to read at an early age. Finnish kids start school at age 7 and don't learn their alphabet or how to read until they're in first grade. One would think that the kids in Finland are miles behind the rest of the world. Au contraire. On international reading tests given to kids in industrial nations, Finland is one of the top-ranked countries. The US is way below Finland, despite its emphasis pushing kids to achieve at an early age.
It would be great if the media would devote less airtime to rare, yet sensational, events and spend more time talking about how safe it really is for kids to walk, ride their bikes, or take public transportation by themselves to wherever they're going. We all did those things when we were kids and are still alive. I imagine newscasts that say, "The 972 kids in Springfield who walked or rode their bikes to school today without a parent all made it there and back home again without any incidents," would be very boring. But I believe that parents need to hear more stories like that in order to realize that the world really is a safe place for their kids. Until that day comes, the best pieces of parenting advice are: turn off the TV, let your child develop at his own pace, and lose the fear and trust your instincts and about what is appropriate for your particular children.
What does Josef Stalin have to do with parenting? At first glance, it would seem that the two are opposites. Josef Stalin was an evil dictator who was responsible for the death of about 20 million of his fellow Soviet citizens. It doesn't get more evil than saying, "One death is a tragedy, one million a statistic" in reference to the number of people who died during Stalin's reign in Soviet prison camps and of starvation in the Ukraine during forced collectivization. Parents are generally viewed as nurturing people who want the best for their children (though their children can sometimes view them as dictators), which is the opposite of how Stalin was.
A couple of days ago Lenore Skenazy, the author of the Free Range Kids (FRK) site, posted a story about the perception that people in the States have that children are constantly being abducted by strangers. In fact, very few kids are kidnapped and murdered by strangers (see the link above). The vast majority of abducted kids are taken by parents in custody disputes or by others that the child knows. Even though stranger abduction is very rare, it gets a lot of airplay in the media because it's such a rare event. These news stories also play to every parent's worst fear and make them afraid to let their children do things that they did as kids, such as walk or cycle to school alone.
There is a climate of fear in the States with parenting that would make Comrade Stalin very proud. Sometimes I think that the media has taken a page out of Stalin's playbook to reinforce the fears that parents have. Very rare events like stranger abduction, choking on button batteries, poisoned Halloween candy, and pedophiles in public bathrooms are played up in the news media. Mundane events, such as kids walking to school or taking a bus in town by themselves and arriving at their destinations safe and sound, are not broadcast at all. The perception is that the world is a dangerous place and children should never be without a parent in sight. I think if Comrade Stalin were alive today, the current media would expand on his quote that I cited above. It would go something like this, "One abducted child’s death is a tragedy that needs to be exploited for all it’s worth in order to instill fear and reinforce helicopter parenting; one million children walking, cycling, or taking public transportation by themselves without any incidents is a statistic that must be ignored or downplayed because it goes against the prevailing societal norms.”
Just as Soviets in Stalin's time feared a midnight knock on the door from the KGB, parents now live in fear whether they are helicopter parents or more free-range. Helicopter parents see pedophiles and kidnappers on every street corner and behind every bush. They are afraid to let their kids out of their sight because if they did, their children would be abducted and vanish without a trace in the blink of an eye. These are the parents who accompany their children everywhere and don't even let their children do sleepovers because the host parents could be pedophiles. Parents who are free-range (not negligent, but those who give their kids developmentally-appropriate independence) also have fears. Back in Stalin's time, there was a system of informants who denounced their friends, co-workers, neighbors, and even family members to the authorities. Free-range parents have been turned in to the police or Child Protective Services (CPS) for letting their kids walk to the store alone or leaving them in the car alone for a short time. Several free-rangers who are regulars on the FRK site say that they have either run into busybodies who turned them in to CPS or the police because their kids were unaccompanied by an adult while playing with other kids in their neighborhoods!
When Stalin ran the USSR, those who didn't follow the prevailing social norms were sent off to Siberian or northern Russian prison camps. While free-range parents don't get shipped off to the Soviet gulag, there have been many cases of parents and kids being detained or threatened by the police for innocent activities. For example, Ms. Skenazy wrote about an incident where her son took a commuter train by himself at age 10 to visit a friend and was detained by the police at his destination for riding alone. This was part of a post about a 10-year-old Tennessee girl whose mother was threatened with child neglect for the heinous crime of letting the daughter ride her bike to school alone. Here is the link:
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/criminally-confident-in-our-kids/
There is another parenting fear: the fear of their child being left behind his peers. This fear starts very early. Toy makers and the media feed into this fear and tell parents that if they don't buy a certain toy, their child is destined to be the night janitor at McDonald's. And parents buy into it. They believe that their child must be fluent in Mandarin, be able to compose a symphony, and be able to read St. Augustine in the original Latin by age 3. If their child is "retarded" and doesn't do all of those things, forget about Harvard or Yale. Parents really need to trust themselves and let their children develop on their own timetables. In many cases, doing something early is not always better. Kids in the States are pushed to read at an early age. Finnish kids start school at age 7 and don't learn their alphabet or how to read until they're in first grade. One would think that the kids in Finland are miles behind the rest of the world. Au contraire. On international reading tests given to kids in industrial nations, Finland is one of the top-ranked countries. The US is way below Finland, despite its emphasis pushing kids to achieve at an early age.
It would be great if the media would devote less airtime to rare, yet sensational, events and spend more time talking about how safe it really is for kids to walk, ride their bikes, or take public transportation by themselves to wherever they're going. We all did those things when we were kids and are still alive. I imagine newscasts that say, "The 972 kids in Springfield who walked or rode their bikes to school today without a parent all made it there and back home again without any incidents," would be very boring. But I believe that parents need to hear more stories like that in order to realize that the world really is a safe place for their kids. Until that day comes, the best pieces of parenting advice are: turn off the TV, let your child develop at his own pace, and lose the fear and trust your instincts and about what is appropriate for your particular children.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Old Science Fiction Movies and Free Range Parenting
My son has been on a kick of watching science fiction and monster movies from the 1950s. It started a couple of months ago, when he got a small canister of "alien slime" with a Donald Duck comic book. I told him that it reminded me of The Blob. Shortly afterward I got The Blob from the library and we saw it together. His reaction was, "Can you get more movies like that one?" So far we've seen: Godzilla (Gojira), It Came From Outer Space, The Creature From the Black Lagoon and its two sequels, and The Day the Earth Stood Still. I have a two-movie DVD of War of the Worlds and When Worlds Collide in my queue. One thing that I have insisted on with these movies is that they are the originals from the 1950s and not more modern remakes.
Yesterday I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still, which was made in 1951. Here's a quick summary from the imdb website: An alien (Klaatu) with his mighty robot (Gort) land their spacecraft on Cold War-era Earth just after the end of World War II. They bring an important message to the planet that Klaatu wishes to tell to representatives of all nations. However, communication turns out to be difficult, so, after learning something about the natives, Klaatu decides on an alternative approach. Written by Bruce Janson
So how does a movie about an alien and his robot coming to Washington, DC relate to free range parenting? There are several scenes which would not slip through the censors now because they would be too "horrific" for helicopter parents. Klaatu assumes human form and rents a room in a local boarding house, where he befriends Helen and her son Bobby. Bobby looks like he's about 9 years old. In one scene Helen and her fiance made plans to go out somewhere for the day, but there is nobody to watch Bobby. They may have to scrap their plans or bring Bobby with them. Klaatu offers to watch Bobby. Helen and her fiance think that's a wonderful idea. They don't have to cancel their plans and Bobby will be taken care of. Klaatu even asks Bobby to help give him a tour of the city. But wait...Helen is trusting her son to a single, childless man who she doesn't really know very well to watch her son. There were no thoughts of Klaatu being a pedophile, predator, pervert, or potential abductor. Can you imagine that scenario happening now?
In another scene, Helen goes out at night and leaves Bobby alone in his room in the boarding house. She tells him to remember to brush his teeth before going to bed. No "good" mother in her right mind today would leave a 9-year-old home alone, especially at night. OK, there are the other boarders in the house. But Bobby is without his mother. Today she would probably be turned in to Child Protective Services for leaving a child unsupervised at home. In a continuation of this scene, Bobby follows Klaatu to his spaceship. So not only was Bobby home alone, he then went out at night on his own to see where Klaatu was going. Nobody noticed Bobby or questioned him about where his parents were. Nobody reported Helen for letting her son go out alone at night.
Toward the end of the movie, Klaatu and Helen are in a taxi, being chased by the police. How did the police find out where Klaatu and Helen were? There were two boys playing outside by the boarding house without any adults in sight. The police asked the boys which way the taxi went. They didn't ask them where their parents were or why they were outside at night without supervision.
But some things still are the same. Instead of the today's climate of fear about pedophiles and child abductions, people in the 1950s were afraid of Communists. Talk of the Red Menace in the 1950s seemed as prevalent as news reports of sex offenders and kidnappers now. In the film there were no Communists, but the flying saucer and "spaceman" (Klaatu) were the objects of fear. People were afraid to go anywhere because of the possibility of running into Klaatu. There was even one scene where people were told to turn on their lights but not go out after dark for fear of being taken into the flying saucer by Klaatu or being destroyed by his robot Gort. There is mass hysteria and fear. A reporter interviews people who are in the park where Klaatu's ship landed. Klaatu is there with Bobby. The people that the reporter interviews all say that they're afraid of the spaceman and what he could do. Bobby thinks that the flying saucer is cool. Then the reporter asks Klaatu if he's afraid of the spaceman like everyone else. His response was one of the best lines in the movie and sums up free range parenting.
Reporter: I suppose you are just as scared as the rest of us. Klaatu: In a different way, perhaps. I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason.
After Klaatu's response the reporter quickly moves away because he obviously didn't like what he heard. Klaatu's answer didn't fit into the climate of fear that ran through the population. Today's helicopter parents are like the people in the movie. They believe that pedophiles and kidnappers are everywhere. Even when they are given the facts about the likelihood of their child being abducted by a stranger, they continue to parent through fear. Free range parenting fits into the theme of The Day the Earth Stood Still because a big part of it is about going against the climate of fear through reason. I want my son to grow up without fearing everyone in the world and thinking that harm will come to him every time he steps out the door.
Tonight's movie feature will be The Thing From Another World.
Yesterday I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still, which was made in 1951. Here's a quick summary from the imdb website: An alien (Klaatu) with his mighty robot (Gort) land their spacecraft on Cold War-era Earth just after the end of World War II. They bring an important message to the planet that Klaatu wishes to tell to representatives of all nations. However, communication turns out to be difficult, so, after learning something about the natives, Klaatu decides on an alternative approach. Written by Bruce Janson
So how does a movie about an alien and his robot coming to Washington, DC relate to free range parenting? There are several scenes which would not slip through the censors now because they would be too "horrific" for helicopter parents. Klaatu assumes human form and rents a room in a local boarding house, where he befriends Helen and her son Bobby. Bobby looks like he's about 9 years old. In one scene Helen and her fiance made plans to go out somewhere for the day, but there is nobody to watch Bobby. They may have to scrap their plans or bring Bobby with them. Klaatu offers to watch Bobby. Helen and her fiance think that's a wonderful idea. They don't have to cancel their plans and Bobby will be taken care of. Klaatu even asks Bobby to help give him a tour of the city. But wait...Helen is trusting her son to a single, childless man who she doesn't really know very well to watch her son. There were no thoughts of Klaatu being a pedophile, predator, pervert, or potential abductor. Can you imagine that scenario happening now?
In another scene, Helen goes out at night and leaves Bobby alone in his room in the boarding house. She tells him to remember to brush his teeth before going to bed. No "good" mother in her right mind today would leave a 9-year-old home alone, especially at night. OK, there are the other boarders in the house. But Bobby is without his mother. Today she would probably be turned in to Child Protective Services for leaving a child unsupervised at home. In a continuation of this scene, Bobby follows Klaatu to his spaceship. So not only was Bobby home alone, he then went out at night on his own to see where Klaatu was going. Nobody noticed Bobby or questioned him about where his parents were. Nobody reported Helen for letting her son go out alone at night.
Toward the end of the movie, Klaatu and Helen are in a taxi, being chased by the police. How did the police find out where Klaatu and Helen were? There were two boys playing outside by the boarding house without any adults in sight. The police asked the boys which way the taxi went. They didn't ask them where their parents were or why they were outside at night without supervision.
But some things still are the same. Instead of the today's climate of fear about pedophiles and child abductions, people in the 1950s were afraid of Communists. Talk of the Red Menace in the 1950s seemed as prevalent as news reports of sex offenders and kidnappers now. In the film there were no Communists, but the flying saucer and "spaceman" (Klaatu) were the objects of fear. People were afraid to go anywhere because of the possibility of running into Klaatu. There was even one scene where people were told to turn on their lights but not go out after dark for fear of being taken into the flying saucer by Klaatu or being destroyed by his robot Gort. There is mass hysteria and fear. A reporter interviews people who are in the park where Klaatu's ship landed. Klaatu is there with Bobby. The people that the reporter interviews all say that they're afraid of the spaceman and what he could do. Bobby thinks that the flying saucer is cool. Then the reporter asks Klaatu if he's afraid of the spaceman like everyone else. His response was one of the best lines in the movie and sums up free range parenting.
Reporter: I suppose you are just as scared as the rest of us. Klaatu: In a different way, perhaps. I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason.
After Klaatu's response the reporter quickly moves away because he obviously didn't like what he heard. Klaatu's answer didn't fit into the climate of fear that ran through the population. Today's helicopter parents are like the people in the movie. They believe that pedophiles and kidnappers are everywhere. Even when they are given the facts about the likelihood of their child being abducted by a stranger, they continue to parent through fear. Free range parenting fits into the theme of The Day the Earth Stood Still because a big part of it is about going against the climate of fear through reason. I want my son to grow up without fearing everyone in the world and thinking that harm will come to him every time he steps out the door.
Tonight's movie feature will be The Thing From Another World.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Deutsche Schule (German School) Part 2
Last October I wrote this post about why my son is in German school instead of the American school on base. http://gap-runner.blogspot.com/2010/10/german-school.html The more I think about the decision that I made back in 2005 to enroll my son in Geman school, the happier I am with it. I think that many American helicopter parents would be shocked at what German kids do in their schools. Some of the things that German kids do in school would be a helicopter parent's worst nightmare. Kids here are encouraged to be independent and responsible for themselves at an early age.
When my son was in kindergarten (preschool), I was required to pick him up. If a friend who didn't have children in the kindergarten was picking him up, I had to write a note informing the teacher. If he was going home with a classmate, I just had to tell the teacher. But once kids get into school, the teachers let the kids go on their own. When my son was in first grade, he was planning to go home with a friend in another class. I told the teacher when I dropped him off in the morning. Her response was, "He's in school now. You don't need to tell me." Kids here walk to school and back home on their own starting in first grade. During their last year of kindergarten they learn about traffic safety and practice crossing streets with a policeman and their teachers. In fact, when I was picking my son up from school today, I saw a group of kindergartners with their teachers practicing street crossing.
In second grade my son's class was studying the "food wheel," which is the German equivalent of the US food pyramid. When the teacher talked about different fruits, the class walked to the Friday open market in the town pedestrian zone. When everyone got to the market, the class was split into five groups. Each group had a list of fruit that they were supposed to buy along with money that the parents had provided. The teacher set the groups loose in the market and told them to meet back at a certain place with their fruit. Imagine groups of 7 and 8-year-olds by themselves in an open market with only one teacher. After the kids walked back to class, they cut up their fruit with real knives and made a fruit salad. A week or two later the class talked about vegetables. Again, the kids went in groups to the open market to buy vegetables. When they got back to class that day, they made vegetable soup. I can't imagine this sort of activity in an American school. I'm sure that each group would require at least one parent supervising the kids. The kids probably wouldn't be allowed to handle the money or the sharp knives. The kids practiced real world math skills by subtracting the cost of their fruits and vegetables from the amount of money they started with. They also practiced reading recipes and handling kitchen equipment. In addition, they practiced being responsible by meeting the teacher at a designated time and place.
German kids seem to take more school field trips than Americans. At the beginning and ending of every school year, each class goes on a hike. From third grade on, only teachers accompany the class. As the kids get older, the hikes get longer. If the weather is bad, the kids still go hiking; they just wear their rain gear. Every year my son's classes have gone to the local theater to see a play. In third grade my son's class studied the history of Garmisch. The class went to various sites in town and learned their history. Next month my son's music class will walk to one of the local churches to see the organ. What's interesting about German schools is that parents don't have to sign permission slips for field trips. The teacher sends a notice home about an upcoming trip which explains when and what it is and if the kids need to bring anything (money, snack).
My son's favorite school activity was a 5-day, 4-night trip to the Schullandheim, which is a big farmhouse somewhere between Garmisch and Munich. Fifth graders in all of the area's Gymnasiums go there. The class is accompanied by two teachers and the five 10th graders who are assigned to that class to help the new 5th graders get oriented to the school. The 5th graders sleep six to a room; the teachers and 10th graders have separate sleeping areas. Each group of six has its own bathroom. The groups are responsible for keeping their rooms and the bathrooms clean. In the morning there were planned activities: different types of hikes, helping out at the farm next door, or baking cookies. Afternoons were for free play or reading. I can't imagine anything like this in the States. Let's see, there are: kids sleeping without an adult in the room, boys tackling each other when playing American football and soccer during afternoon free play time, kids getting dirty and wet, kids staying up as late as they wanted, and only two adults supervising approximately 25 kids.
As I said above, kids start walking to school by themselves in first grade. In 4th grade they have a class in bike safety. Once they pass a written and performance test, they can ride their bikes to school on their own. Secondary school starts in 5th grade. Many of the smaller towns and villages don't have a secondary school.
Secondary school students from those areas either take the train or ride a public bus to school. In larger cities, like Munich, kids ride the U-Bahn (subway) to school by themselves starting in 5th grade. My son's school is about 2.5 kilometers from my house. When the weather is nice, he and his friends meet up and ride their bikes to school and back home. They call each other and make the arrangements themselves.
I like the fact that the schools here encourage independence. When my son finishes school, I can be assured that he will be a confident and competent young man because of his school experiences.
When my son was in kindergarten (preschool), I was required to pick him up. If a friend who didn't have children in the kindergarten was picking him up, I had to write a note informing the teacher. If he was going home with a classmate, I just had to tell the teacher. But once kids get into school, the teachers let the kids go on their own. When my son was in first grade, he was planning to go home with a friend in another class. I told the teacher when I dropped him off in the morning. Her response was, "He's in school now. You don't need to tell me." Kids here walk to school and back home on their own starting in first grade. During their last year of kindergarten they learn about traffic safety and practice crossing streets with a policeman and their teachers. In fact, when I was picking my son up from school today, I saw a group of kindergartners with their teachers practicing street crossing.
In second grade my son's class was studying the "food wheel," which is the German equivalent of the US food pyramid. When the teacher talked about different fruits, the class walked to the Friday open market in the town pedestrian zone. When everyone got to the market, the class was split into five groups. Each group had a list of fruit that they were supposed to buy along with money that the parents had provided. The teacher set the groups loose in the market and told them to meet back at a certain place with their fruit. Imagine groups of 7 and 8-year-olds by themselves in an open market with only one teacher. After the kids walked back to class, they cut up their fruit with real knives and made a fruit salad. A week or two later the class talked about vegetables. Again, the kids went in groups to the open market to buy vegetables. When they got back to class that day, they made vegetable soup. I can't imagine this sort of activity in an American school. I'm sure that each group would require at least one parent supervising the kids. The kids probably wouldn't be allowed to handle the money or the sharp knives. The kids practiced real world math skills by subtracting the cost of their fruits and vegetables from the amount of money they started with. They also practiced reading recipes and handling kitchen equipment. In addition, they practiced being responsible by meeting the teacher at a designated time and place.
German kids seem to take more school field trips than Americans. At the beginning and ending of every school year, each class goes on a hike. From third grade on, only teachers accompany the class. As the kids get older, the hikes get longer. If the weather is bad, the kids still go hiking; they just wear their rain gear. Every year my son's classes have gone to the local theater to see a play. In third grade my son's class studied the history of Garmisch. The class went to various sites in town and learned their history. Next month my son's music class will walk to one of the local churches to see the organ. What's interesting about German schools is that parents don't have to sign permission slips for field trips. The teacher sends a notice home about an upcoming trip which explains when and what it is and if the kids need to bring anything (money, snack).
My son's favorite school activity was a 5-day, 4-night trip to the Schullandheim, which is a big farmhouse somewhere between Garmisch and Munich. Fifth graders in all of the area's Gymnasiums go there. The class is accompanied by two teachers and the five 10th graders who are assigned to that class to help the new 5th graders get oriented to the school. The 5th graders sleep six to a room; the teachers and 10th graders have separate sleeping areas. Each group of six has its own bathroom. The groups are responsible for keeping their rooms and the bathrooms clean. In the morning there were planned activities: different types of hikes, helping out at the farm next door, or baking cookies. Afternoons were for free play or reading. I can't imagine anything like this in the States. Let's see, there are: kids sleeping without an adult in the room, boys tackling each other when playing American football and soccer during afternoon free play time, kids getting dirty and wet, kids staying up as late as they wanted, and only two adults supervising approximately 25 kids.
As I said above, kids start walking to school by themselves in first grade. In 4th grade they have a class in bike safety. Once they pass a written and performance test, they can ride their bikes to school on their own. Secondary school starts in 5th grade. Many of the smaller towns and villages don't have a secondary school.
Secondary school students from those areas either take the train or ride a public bus to school. In larger cities, like Munich, kids ride the U-Bahn (subway) to school by themselves starting in 5th grade. My son's school is about 2.5 kilometers from my house. When the weather is nice, he and his friends meet up and ride their bikes to school and back home. They call each other and make the arrangements themselves.
I like the fact that the schools here encourage independence. When my son finishes school, I can be assured that he will be a confident and competent young man because of his school experiences.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Helicopter Dad
Whenever I hear about "helicopter parenting" in the States, I usually think of mothers. There are magazine articles, blogs, TV programs, and even books about helicopter moms. My impression of fathers is that they're the ones who give the kids a little more free rein than mothers do. But earlier today I saw a helicopter dad.
Before getting into what I saw this afternoon, let me explain how the base where I work is set up. There are actually two sides that are separated by a busy street and a bridge. The side where I work on Saturdays has the gym, chapel, offices, classrooms, one student dormitory building, and the Armed Forces hotel. Most soldiers and US civilians who visit Garmisch stay at that hotel. The other side has the PX, Commissary, gas station, bank, and all of the other standard base facilities. On Saturdays during my lunch hour I walk over to the the other side to get a little bit of fresh air and exercise and also to stretch my legs. I often see families who are staying at the American hotel walking between the two sides of the base.
As I was walking toward the traffic light where I cross the street to get to the other part of the base, I saw an American man with a military haircut with two girls. The girls, who were his daughters, looked to be about 7 and 9 years old. We got to the traffic light, which was red, at about the same time. The father told the daughters that everyone must hold hands when crossing the street. The light for us turned green and we all started across the street. As we were crossing, a car pulled up to the intersection and stopped at the light. The father told the girls to watch out for the speedy driver (who had stopped by that time). When we all got across the street, it was time to cross the bridge. On both sides of the bridge there is a railing with bars that's a little over a meter high. The bars are so close together that an anorexic toddler would have a hard time fitting between them. But as we all got to the bridge, the father told the daughters to stay away from the railing because it was dangerous and they could fall into the river. When we reached the base gate, we went through the pedestrian entrance, which is roped off from the vehicle entrance and cars can't get into it. That didn't matter to this dad. He told the girls to walk as far over to the side as possible so that they wouldn't get hit by a car.
To give this father a break, he may have just returned from Iraq or Afghanistan. If so, he probably saw plenty of things that would make him feel that the world is a dangerous place, especially for young girls. This father obviously loves his daughters very much and wants to protect them. But Garmish-Partenkirchen is a far cry from downtown Baghdad or Kabul. I can understand that man wanting his daughters close by, especially if they are tourists and aren't familiar with the city. When I'm in an unfamiliar city with my son, I like him close by, or I at least want to see where he is. But the father I saw today made it seem that everything in the short walk (about 100 meters) from the traffic light to the base entrance gate was scary. I felt a little sad for those girls. They will grow up believing it's normal to view the world as a place full of dangers.
If anyone was wondering, I didn't say anything to the father. I wouldn't want someone coming up to me and telling me that my parenting style was "wrong". Even though I disagreed with how that man was telling his daughters about everything being dangerous, he deserved the same courtesy.
Before getting into what I saw this afternoon, let me explain how the base where I work is set up. There are actually two sides that are separated by a busy street and a bridge. The side where I work on Saturdays has the gym, chapel, offices, classrooms, one student dormitory building, and the Armed Forces hotel. Most soldiers and US civilians who visit Garmisch stay at that hotel. The other side has the PX, Commissary, gas station, bank, and all of the other standard base facilities. On Saturdays during my lunch hour I walk over to the the other side to get a little bit of fresh air and exercise and also to stretch my legs. I often see families who are staying at the American hotel walking between the two sides of the base.
As I was walking toward the traffic light where I cross the street to get to the other part of the base, I saw an American man with a military haircut with two girls. The girls, who were his daughters, looked to be about 7 and 9 years old. We got to the traffic light, which was red, at about the same time. The father told the daughters that everyone must hold hands when crossing the street. The light for us turned green and we all started across the street. As we were crossing, a car pulled up to the intersection and stopped at the light. The father told the girls to watch out for the speedy driver (who had stopped by that time). When we all got across the street, it was time to cross the bridge. On both sides of the bridge there is a railing with bars that's a little over a meter high. The bars are so close together that an anorexic toddler would have a hard time fitting between them. But as we all got to the bridge, the father told the daughters to stay away from the railing because it was dangerous and they could fall into the river. When we reached the base gate, we went through the pedestrian entrance, which is roped off from the vehicle entrance and cars can't get into it. That didn't matter to this dad. He told the girls to walk as far over to the side as possible so that they wouldn't get hit by a car.
To give this father a break, he may have just returned from Iraq or Afghanistan. If so, he probably saw plenty of things that would make him feel that the world is a dangerous place, especially for young girls. This father obviously loves his daughters very much and wants to protect them. But Garmish-Partenkirchen is a far cry from downtown Baghdad or Kabul. I can understand that man wanting his daughters close by, especially if they are tourists and aren't familiar with the city. When I'm in an unfamiliar city with my son, I like him close by, or I at least want to see where he is. But the father I saw today made it seem that everything in the short walk (about 100 meters) from the traffic light to the base entrance gate was scary. I felt a little sad for those girls. They will grow up believing it's normal to view the world as a place full of dangers.
If anyone was wondering, I didn't say anything to the father. I wouldn't want someone coming up to me and telling me that my parenting style was "wrong". Even though I disagreed with how that man was telling his daughters about everything being dangerous, he deserved the same courtesy.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's a Dangerous World Outside
When I was on the Free Range Kids site yesterday (http://www.freerangekids.wordpress.com/), its author, Lenore Skenazy, posted a link from another parenting blog about playing outside. Here is the link to that piece from a blog called Moms Who Think: http://www.momswhothink.com/behavior/keep-kids-safe-when-playing-outside.html. I also posted the link on my Facebook page.
The person who wrote the piece on Moms Who Think started off with a good premise. Playing outdoors is good for kids. They need exercise and fresh air. But at the end of the first paragraph, the author brings up the idea that playing outside is fraught with danger. The second paragraph makes playing outside downright scary. Kids can fall down, hurt themselves, do dangerous things that can hurt another kid, become targets for predators, and even end up in the emergency room. In the third paragraph the author again mentions the "untoward dangers" of playing outdoors. The author goes on to say that adults should always be on hand to prevent any potential accidents or injuries and also to send the message to the other adults in the area that their child is safe and not vulnerable. Adults should also perform a thorough inspection of any play equipment and look for any potential dangers in the area. The tone of the article makes going outside to play as appealing as going to downtown Baghdad or a Siberian gulag in the winter.
I don't understand the American preoccupation with kids not being allowed to fall or get hurt. Of course I don't want to see a child become seriously injured. But bumps and bruises along the way are normal. My son's legs always seem to be bruised and I tell him that's the sign of being a real boy. The best way for a kid to figure out his limits is to fall. Most of the time when kids fall, they dust themselves off and continue playing. If a child is bleeding, he may come in to get a Band-Aid. Then he'll head right back outside to play some more. I had my share of childhood injuries: sprained ankle, bumps on the head, lots of bruises, skinned knees and elbows.
Because kids aren't rational beings, they will naturally do "dangerous" things. An activity with an element of danger automatically makes it fun. For preteen boys like my son, the crazier the acitivity, the better. My son and his friends like to jump on their skis. If there isn't a fun park in the ski area with jumps, the kids will make their own. The boys will also challenge each other when they are in an area with a jumping park. They'll do the same thing for making their own skateboard jumps. Sometimes they're successful and sometimes they fall. When they fall, they treat it as a lesson in figuring how to set up the jump correctly. I figure it's only a matter of time before my son ends up in the emergency room for a jumping injury. E.R. trips are supposed to be a part of childhood. I have also been injured doing "dangerous" things as a kid. When I was 10 or 11, my friend and I were throwing rocks at two neighbor boys. I got hit in the face just below my right eye and had to go to the emergency room for stitches.
The person who wrote the Moms Who Think article would also freak out about German playground equipment. She (I'm assuming the author is a woman, judging from the name of the blog) would have to wrap her children in bubble wrap before letting them venture onto a German playground. Instead of plastic playground equipment that's low to the ground over lots of rubber mats or bark chips, a lot of German playground equipment looks like it has seen better days. In one of the playgrounds where I used to live, the high wooden climbing structures had a lot of splinter potential and the slides were metal. There was no padding underneath the equipment except for sand, dirt, or grass. There were also merry-go-rounds and real seesaws, both of which are now a rarity on American playgrounds.
I would be considered a bad mother who is making her child vulnerable, and not safe, because my son has played outdoors with minimal or no supervision since he was very young. When he was preschool age, I'd take him to the local playground. He would play with his friends while I chatted with the other moms. As he got older, he played out in the front yard with no supervision. Now he plays, skis, and swims with friends without parental supervision.
Along with the American preoccupation with not letting kids hurt themselves, I don't understand the view that every adult is a potential predator. My son has grown up believing that most adults are good people and not kidnappers or child molesters. He knows that if he needs help when my husband and I aren't around to find the nearest adult. In the past he has had to ask an adult for help and has never been turned down. Through his experience he has learned for himself that adults are willing to help a child. He also knows how to avoid potentially bad situations: only accept rides from people that he knows, be with at least one buddy when going to the Burger King at the train station, and make a loud fuss if someone he doesn't know tries to grab him.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue to let my son play outdoors for fresh air and exercise. Despite the "dangers" of falling, getting hurt, doing crazy things, and the risk of a trip to the hospital, playing outside is a much healthier option than staying inside watching TV and eating junk food.
The person who wrote the piece on Moms Who Think started off with a good premise. Playing outdoors is good for kids. They need exercise and fresh air. But at the end of the first paragraph, the author brings up the idea that playing outside is fraught with danger. The second paragraph makes playing outside downright scary. Kids can fall down, hurt themselves, do dangerous things that can hurt another kid, become targets for predators, and even end up in the emergency room. In the third paragraph the author again mentions the "untoward dangers" of playing outdoors. The author goes on to say that adults should always be on hand to prevent any potential accidents or injuries and also to send the message to the other adults in the area that their child is safe and not vulnerable. Adults should also perform a thorough inspection of any play equipment and look for any potential dangers in the area. The tone of the article makes going outside to play as appealing as going to downtown Baghdad or a Siberian gulag in the winter.
I don't understand the American preoccupation with kids not being allowed to fall or get hurt. Of course I don't want to see a child become seriously injured. But bumps and bruises along the way are normal. My son's legs always seem to be bruised and I tell him that's the sign of being a real boy. The best way for a kid to figure out his limits is to fall. Most of the time when kids fall, they dust themselves off and continue playing. If a child is bleeding, he may come in to get a Band-Aid. Then he'll head right back outside to play some more. I had my share of childhood injuries: sprained ankle, bumps on the head, lots of bruises, skinned knees and elbows.
Because kids aren't rational beings, they will naturally do "dangerous" things. An activity with an element of danger automatically makes it fun. For preteen boys like my son, the crazier the acitivity, the better. My son and his friends like to jump on their skis. If there isn't a fun park in the ski area with jumps, the kids will make their own. The boys will also challenge each other when they are in an area with a jumping park. They'll do the same thing for making their own skateboard jumps. Sometimes they're successful and sometimes they fall. When they fall, they treat it as a lesson in figuring how to set up the jump correctly. I figure it's only a matter of time before my son ends up in the emergency room for a jumping injury. E.R. trips are supposed to be a part of childhood. I have also been injured doing "dangerous" things as a kid. When I was 10 or 11, my friend and I were throwing rocks at two neighbor boys. I got hit in the face just below my right eye and had to go to the emergency room for stitches.
The person who wrote the Moms Who Think article would also freak out about German playground equipment. She (I'm assuming the author is a woman, judging from the name of the blog) would have to wrap her children in bubble wrap before letting them venture onto a German playground. Instead of plastic playground equipment that's low to the ground over lots of rubber mats or bark chips, a lot of German playground equipment looks like it has seen better days. In one of the playgrounds where I used to live, the high wooden climbing structures had a lot of splinter potential and the slides were metal. There was no padding underneath the equipment except for sand, dirt, or grass. There were also merry-go-rounds and real seesaws, both of which are now a rarity on American playgrounds.
I would be considered a bad mother who is making her child vulnerable, and not safe, because my son has played outdoors with minimal or no supervision since he was very young. When he was preschool age, I'd take him to the local playground. He would play with his friends while I chatted with the other moms. As he got older, he played out in the front yard with no supervision. Now he plays, skis, and swims with friends without parental supervision.
Along with the American preoccupation with not letting kids hurt themselves, I don't understand the view that every adult is a potential predator. My son has grown up believing that most adults are good people and not kidnappers or child molesters. He knows that if he needs help when my husband and I aren't around to find the nearest adult. In the past he has had to ask an adult for help and has never been turned down. Through his experience he has learned for himself that adults are willing to help a child. He also knows how to avoid potentially bad situations: only accept rides from people that he knows, be with at least one buddy when going to the Burger King at the train station, and make a loud fuss if someone he doesn't know tries to grab him.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue to let my son play outdoors for fresh air and exercise. Despite the "dangers" of falling, getting hurt, doing crazy things, and the risk of a trip to the hospital, playing outside is a much healthier option than staying inside watching TV and eating junk food.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Free Range Stories
If I had a list of people who I'd like to have lunch with, the author of the Free Range Kids website, Lenore Skenazy, would be on it. Her blog, http://www.freerangekids.wordpress.com/, is one of my favorite sites. Ms. Skenazy posts a lot of items about the culture of fear and helicopter parenting in the States. Parents in the States don't let their kids do what they did as kids, such as walk to school alone or ride their bikes to a friend's house, because they are so afraid of pedophiles and kidnappers. Stateside schools seemed to have stepped into the role of an overprotective parent through such things as: no recess when the temperature is below 10 C (50 F) because a kid may get cold, no Valentine's Day parties because a child in the class may have allergies, and rules about teachers not talking about themselves or touching a child on the shoulder. In the States there is such a fear of "stranger danger" that even senior citizens who smile and say, "Hello" to a child are viewed as potential perverts or kidnappers. Ms. Skenazy has posted stories of children who ran to their parents screaming, "Mom! That stranger talked to me!" when a senior citizen smiled and said, "Hello" to them in a store. I must be a horrible parent because I let my son accept candy from grandmotherly-looking ladies on the train when he was younger (it's a requirement for every German woman over age 60 to have a stash of candy in her purse to give to children that she encounters). Ms. Skenazy also posts positive stories of kids whose families are bucking the helicopter parenting trend.
Here in Germany kids grow up free-range. They walk to school by themselves starting in first grade. In fourth grade they can start riding their bikes to school without parental supervision. In fifth grade kids start taking the public bus or train to school if they don't live nearby. My son rides his bike to school when the weather is nice, usually meeting up with a friend or two along the way. Kids here grow up with a sense of independence. When my son was 10, he rode the train by himself for the first time and loved it. When I picked him up at the station, the first thing he told me was, "I want to ride the train by myself again. That was fun." He skis with friends at the local ski area without adult supervision and knows what to do if someone gets hurt.
Here are a couple of Free Range stories that would probably get me turned in to the Child Protective Services people if they happened in the States. Let's see the violations: leaving a child unsupervised, letting a child talk to strangers, and inviting a child to be kidnapped because of being in a crowded area.
Last September, my family (husband, son) and I went on vacation in Italy. We were near the three big amusement parks in the Lake Garda area. When we were at Gardaland, the biggest park in the area, my husband and I wanted to go on the roller coaster with the loops. My son didn't want to go on it, no matter how hard we tried to convince him to do it. We decided that it was best not to force him to go on that roller coaster because he would be too scared to enjoy it. Next to the roller coaster there was a teacup ride, exactly like the teacups at Disneyland. My son really wanted to go on the teacups. My husband and I decided that our son could go on the teacups while we were on the roller coaster. We picked a place to meet when our rides ended, then went our respective ways. When my husband and I got off the roller coaster, my son was waiting in the appointed spot. We all then went on the teacups together because my son said that he wanted to share his enjoyment of them. OK, he really wanted to ride in them again. Nobody questioned an 11-year-old boy standing by himself for three minutes about where his parents were. All of the other families at the park were minding their own business. There was no park security waiting to haul my husband and me into his office for child neglect. When I was about my son's age, I was allowed to go off by myself or with a friend at Disneyland. I just had to meet up with my parents at a designated place and time, which I always did. This was back in the days before mobile phones, so my parents couldn't check up on me.
My next Free Range story happened last Sunday. The 2011 Alpine Skiing World Championships were here in Garmisch. We had tickets for the men's slalom race, which was the last race of the championships. My son loves collecting autographs and autograph cards from the skiers. After the race concluded, my son wanted to take his autograph pad and go to where the skiers exit the stadium so that he could catch them for autographs. We let him go. My husband and I stayed in the stands to watch the medal ceremony. Every skier that my son approached obliged him with an autograph or card. None of them questioned a child on his own with an autograph pad and pen. Nobody said anything to my son about talking to strangers. After all, he doesn't know any of the professional skiers personally. Therefore, they're strangers. I thought that it was wonderful that my normally shy son would ask the athletes that he watches on TV every weekend from November to March for autographs. When my husband and I finally caught up with him, he was bubbling with happiness about his autograph pad being almost full. He showed us all of the autographs and cards that he collected.
I may never have lunch with Lenore Skenazy. But I will contine to read her Free Range Kids website and feel sorry for children in the States who are so overprotected. Those kids with helicopter parents and overprotective teachers are really missing out on life.
Here in Germany kids grow up free-range. They walk to school by themselves starting in first grade. In fourth grade they can start riding their bikes to school without parental supervision. In fifth grade kids start taking the public bus or train to school if they don't live nearby. My son rides his bike to school when the weather is nice, usually meeting up with a friend or two along the way. Kids here grow up with a sense of independence. When my son was 10, he rode the train by himself for the first time and loved it. When I picked him up at the station, the first thing he told me was, "I want to ride the train by myself again. That was fun." He skis with friends at the local ski area without adult supervision and knows what to do if someone gets hurt.
Here are a couple of Free Range stories that would probably get me turned in to the Child Protective Services people if they happened in the States. Let's see the violations: leaving a child unsupervised, letting a child talk to strangers, and inviting a child to be kidnapped because of being in a crowded area.
Last September, my family (husband, son) and I went on vacation in Italy. We were near the three big amusement parks in the Lake Garda area. When we were at Gardaland, the biggest park in the area, my husband and I wanted to go on the roller coaster with the loops. My son didn't want to go on it, no matter how hard we tried to convince him to do it. We decided that it was best not to force him to go on that roller coaster because he would be too scared to enjoy it. Next to the roller coaster there was a teacup ride, exactly like the teacups at Disneyland. My son really wanted to go on the teacups. My husband and I decided that our son could go on the teacups while we were on the roller coaster. We picked a place to meet when our rides ended, then went our respective ways. When my husband and I got off the roller coaster, my son was waiting in the appointed spot. We all then went on the teacups together because my son said that he wanted to share his enjoyment of them. OK, he really wanted to ride in them again. Nobody questioned an 11-year-old boy standing by himself for three minutes about where his parents were. All of the other families at the park were minding their own business. There was no park security waiting to haul my husband and me into his office for child neglect. When I was about my son's age, I was allowed to go off by myself or with a friend at Disneyland. I just had to meet up with my parents at a designated place and time, which I always did. This was back in the days before mobile phones, so my parents couldn't check up on me.
My next Free Range story happened last Sunday. The 2011 Alpine Skiing World Championships were here in Garmisch. We had tickets for the men's slalom race, which was the last race of the championships. My son loves collecting autographs and autograph cards from the skiers. After the race concluded, my son wanted to take his autograph pad and go to where the skiers exit the stadium so that he could catch them for autographs. We let him go. My husband and I stayed in the stands to watch the medal ceremony. Every skier that my son approached obliged him with an autograph or card. None of them questioned a child on his own with an autograph pad and pen. Nobody said anything to my son about talking to strangers. After all, he doesn't know any of the professional skiers personally. Therefore, they're strangers. I thought that it was wonderful that my normally shy son would ask the athletes that he watches on TV every weekend from November to March for autographs. When my husband and I finally caught up with him, he was bubbling with happiness about his autograph pad being almost full. He showed us all of the autographs and cards that he collected.
I may never have lunch with Lenore Skenazy. But I will contine to read her Free Range Kids website and feel sorry for children in the States who are so overprotected. Those kids with helicopter parents and overprotective teachers are really missing out on life.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Helicopter Parents and College Life Lessons
A while back I saw a "20/20" story about helicopter parents. It featured a single mother with two college student sons to illustrate the growing helicopter parent phenomenon in the States. The mother takes care of her sons' needs so that they can concentrate on their studies. Mom has both sons' class schedules and gives them a wake-up call so that they'll get to their first class on time. The sons don't even choose their own classes, Mom does. She has a copy of the boys' syllabi so that she knows when they have papers due and exams. Of course she calls them to remind them of upcoming tests and deadlines. On the weekends Mom drivestwo hours to the university, cleans her sons' dorm rooms, and does their grocery shopping and laundry for them. When the boys were questioned about how they felt about their mother doing so much for them, the response was that it helped to make their lives easier. No surprise there! If I had someone taking care of all of my needs, my life would be easier too.
Those boys have it much easier than when I went to college. I had an alarm clock instead of a daily wake-up call from Mom. If I missed a class because of oversleeping, it was my responsibility to find out what I missed. Nobody reminded me when I had exams or papers due; I had to read my course syllabi on my own and plan my study time. I even chose my classes without any parental input. I read the information about the required classes for my major and picked my classes accordingly. My half of the dorm room sometimes looked like a tornado came through it because nobody cleaned up after me. When I got tired of my room looking messy, I cleaned up. My mother did my laundry for me once when I came home for a weekend. After that one time she told me to buy a box of Cheer and read the back. At that time, Cheer laundry powder had directions for which clothing went into hot, warm, and cold water.
Being away at college on my own taught me a lot of real life skills. From my sophomore year on, I worked part time while going to school. I learned to use my time wisely because I had less time to study than non-working students. One of the most important things I learned was how to prioritize tasks. For example, if I had a limited amount of time in which to study, I had to decide which subjects were the most important to study at that moment. Prioritizing tasks is an important part of my life as a parent with a full-time job. Another important life lesson was doing a little bit of a project each day to meet a deadline instead of putting it off until the last minute. That has served me well in my various jobs because I always met my deadlines. Getting along with others and resolving problems with roommates through compromise was something else that I learned. It would have looked silly to call my mother to help sort out any minor roommate issues. She would have told me to fight my own battles. In college I really learned how to organize my things and follow the saying, "A place for everything and everything in its place." It was much easier to find my books and papers if they were in the same place and if I kept my part of the room clean. I also learned to sort laundry carefully so that my whites wouldn't turn to pinks due to errant red socks.
I wonder how the boys in the "20/20" episode, and other kids with helicopter parents, are going to fare when they graduate from college. They seem to be missing out on learning vital life lessons because they are not doing much on their own. Will their mothers accompany them to their job interviews and negotiate their salaries for them? Eventually those kids will have to leave the nest and have their own families. Will their mothers continue to micromanage their lives as they have kids because they never learned how to do organize their lives on their own? The mother in the "20/20" episode alluded to that when she said that she hopes to become good friends with her future daughters-in-law. I wonder how the grandkids of helicopter parents will turn out. Will they rebel and become more independent, like kids of previous generations, or will they also end up dependent on their parents (or grandparents) for every little thing? Only time will tell.
Those boys have it much easier than when I went to college. I had an alarm clock instead of a daily wake-up call from Mom. If I missed a class because of oversleeping, it was my responsibility to find out what I missed. Nobody reminded me when I had exams or papers due; I had to read my course syllabi on my own and plan my study time. I even chose my classes without any parental input. I read the information about the required classes for my major and picked my classes accordingly. My half of the dorm room sometimes looked like a tornado came through it because nobody cleaned up after me. When I got tired of my room looking messy, I cleaned up. My mother did my laundry for me once when I came home for a weekend. After that one time she told me to buy a box of Cheer and read the back. At that time, Cheer laundry powder had directions for which clothing went into hot, warm, and cold water.
Being away at college on my own taught me a lot of real life skills. From my sophomore year on, I worked part time while going to school. I learned to use my time wisely because I had less time to study than non-working students. One of the most important things I learned was how to prioritize tasks. For example, if I had a limited amount of time in which to study, I had to decide which subjects were the most important to study at that moment. Prioritizing tasks is an important part of my life as a parent with a full-time job. Another important life lesson was doing a little bit of a project each day to meet a deadline instead of putting it off until the last minute. That has served me well in my various jobs because I always met my deadlines. Getting along with others and resolving problems with roommates through compromise was something else that I learned. It would have looked silly to call my mother to help sort out any minor roommate issues. She would have told me to fight my own battles. In college I really learned how to organize my things and follow the saying, "A place for everything and everything in its place." It was much easier to find my books and papers if they were in the same place and if I kept my part of the room clean. I also learned to sort laundry carefully so that my whites wouldn't turn to pinks due to errant red socks.
I wonder how the boys in the "20/20" episode, and other kids with helicopter parents, are going to fare when they graduate from college. They seem to be missing out on learning vital life lessons because they are not doing much on their own. Will their mothers accompany them to their job interviews and negotiate their salaries for them? Eventually those kids will have to leave the nest and have their own families. Will their mothers continue to micromanage their lives as they have kids because they never learned how to do organize their lives on their own? The mother in the "20/20" episode alluded to that when she said that she hopes to become good friends with her future daughters-in-law. I wonder how the grandkids of helicopter parents will turn out. Will they rebel and become more independent, like kids of previous generations, or will they also end up dependent on their parents (or grandparents) for every little thing? Only time will tell.
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